Happy birthday to Kim Jong Un, who by his mid-30s has already become “Supreme Leader” of North Korea and shaken the entire world with fears of war.
But what do you get the man who recently got exactly what he wanted — nuclear and missile programs that could potentially deliver a warhead to much of Earth, including the U.S. East Coast?
Here are some last-minute options for that hard-to-shop-for world leader before he chows down on his (probably yellow) cake.
A bigger button
Poor man wanna be rich. Rich man wanna be king. King ain’t satisfied until he’s sure that the rocket in his pocket is bigger than everyone else’s.
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Just ask President Trump, who started the measuring contest heard around the world when he insisted that his “nuclear button” was larger than the one held by his adversary in Pyongyang.
Not that this birthday gift “button,” in reality a combination of a briefcase and verification codes, would need to be functional.
The United Nations might be willing to finance gifts of big shiny buttons to both Kim and Trump, whose birthday is coming up in June, if the buttons distract the leaders from a nuclear war.
Other toy options including a model rocket set because even if at Kim’s believed age of 34 you are definitely a “little rocket man,” that doesn’t mean that you can’t sometimes have fun like a little rocket boy.
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Cost: $6.99 “Easy” button from Staples. Model rockets as low as $13 at Hobby Lobby.
Suits
The world may be hanging on by a thread, but maybe the key to international peace and security is some new threads.
Kim displayed a dapper new look in his New Year’s address, opting for a light-colored suit instead of the darker duds that he’d worn or the Mao Zedong-style suit that used to be the calling card of him and his father Kim Jong Il before him.
If his new clothes are the making of a new man, those wishing for a better 2018 can help him along.
Other apparel gifts could include some hiking boots to replace the business attire that North Korean media said that Kim wore when he “climbed” a 9,000-foot mountain
Cost: Varies depending on quality. Jos. A Bank still offers discounts even after ending of its buy one, get three free deal in 2015.
The last year has seen Kim achieve a missile program believed to be able to deliver a nuclear warhead to the U.S. East Coast.
(STR/AFP/Getty Images)
A copy of ‘Fire and Fury’
With a title inspired by Trump’s threat to him this summer, it is likely that Kim would enjoy Michael Wolff’s tale of disfunction and distrust roiling the White House.
The book does recount Trump’s process as he and North Korea began launching nuclear-tripped jabs at each other this summer, though Kim may find the different ways those around the president question his intelligence more useful if he wants to update his insults beyond “dotard.”
Kim is also expected to have a grasp of English after reportedly attending boarding school in Switzerland in the days before he became a repressive dictator.
Cost: $18 on Amazon
Life-sized cutout of Dennis Rodman
From the little known of Kim’s personality a few assertions have come forward, and one of them is a love of basketball.
Former Chicago Bulls great Rodman has been to North Korea five imes after first visiting in 2013 and describes its leader as a “friend for life,” though it may not be easy for him to “worm” his way back to the isolated country.
The State Department banned travel by U.S. passport holders to North Korea starting September 1 over fears of detention, and a cardboard cutout may come in handy for Kim if the power forward cannot qualify for an exception.
Cost: More difficult to find now than during the glory days of the late 1990s, but one on eBay was priced at $65.
“Curling for Dummies”
Despite the fear that has surrounded the rise of Kim’s nuclear weapons, the last week has offered hopes at a détente with his neighbors in South Korea and talks about possible participation by North Koreans in the Pyeongchang Olympics next month will be held with Seoul officials on Tuesday.
Figure skaters Ryom Tae Ok and Kim Ju Sik are the only of Kim’s countrymen to qualify, but he may like to familiarize himself with the rest of what’s on offer at the winter games.
Curling, the oddly fascinating practice of throwing granite stones gliding across the ice invented in Medieval Scotland, may even end his desire to launch other types of projectiles.
Cost: $18.47 on Amazon.
